I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
