i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize