I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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