Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
