I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize