insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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