I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
