So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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