i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
