you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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