Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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