can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
