The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
