video games are the ultimate cock blocker
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize