just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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