I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
