Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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