Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
