i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
where am i from again
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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