People in love make me want to vomit
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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