Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
