Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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