You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
