So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
