Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
