So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
