he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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