it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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