Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
