and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
