Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
