I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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