i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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