I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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