I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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