I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
