Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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