I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
