That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
