Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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