Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
