Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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