I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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