just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
