seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
