im having a threesome with these popsicles
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
