Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
