Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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