you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Holy shit dude........stairs
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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