I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
