you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
