is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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