I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
