Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
