She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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