Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
