woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
