My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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