Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
