i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Randomize
