I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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